I don't want to steal your freedom
by in for a penny in for a pound
Summary: Hard to say but really just another Harry and Ruth story!
1. Chapter 1

I don't want to steal your freedom

 **First ever attempt at anything like this! I enjoyed writing it although I have no idea if it's any good or even worth carrying on with it. And how hard it is to get a title? The title to this comes from a song I heard on the radio as I was driving to work. Sorry for any mistakes or infringements of etiquette. Oh maybe I should say that it happens before Havensworth. Is this where I say that I own nothing and it's all down to the BBC and Kudos?**

Chapter One

" _Don't be long sweetie. I'm just about to run you a hot, deep bubble bath. We'll soon have you so relaxed you'll be horizontal!"_

If it were true that a face could launch a thousand ships then it was an indisputable fact that Harry Pearce could have, would have sunk them all with no trouble at all as he raised an eyebrow, his voice dripping with sarcasm and disbelief as he asked "Sweetie? Really Ruth sweetie?"

Even in the gloom of her hallway he could see her face flush although whether it was with embarrassment or anger he couldn't tell.

"What is it you want Harry? We didn't expect you back until the week end. Do you want me to come in? It is my rotated days off today and tomorrow. You could have rung."

Suddenly he was very angry with her, with himself, with the unknown man who was in her house, running her a bath and calling her _Sweetie!._

He wanted to tell her he needed her on the grid straight away, that night, that she needed to throw the unknown man out of her house and go with him straight away but of course he couldn't do that. There was no valid reason for her to go with him other than his need to see her. So instead he said "Yes. First thing tomorrow morning and don't be late...for any reason."

He could tell that that last barb had found it's mark, when was Ruth ever late for anything? You could set your watch by Ruth Evershed her time keeping was impeccable but he didn't care that he'd hurt her. She'd hurt him.

"Right, right if' that's all Harry I do have company" she said as the sound of someone running up the stairs filtered through the house and seeped out into the hallway. Nodding he couldn't help saying again "Don't be late Ruth." even as she was closing the door in his face.

Walking back to his car, parked three houses up, safely tucked behind a large ungainly _Chelsea Tractor_ he cursed himself for giving into his need to see her. What had he been thinking? He'd only been a way for a week. First at a conference in Reykjavik called by Britain's NATO partners and then in the far north of Scotland for the de-briefing as they picked apart every word that had been spoken, every glance that had been exchanged looking for hidden meanings, hidden messages that in all probability were not even there.

And all the time he played the game of paranoia that was the lot of anyone who was involved in the security of the nation he'd thought about her. Of course he was much too old for her, it was not just a matter of days, weeks, months, years. In many ways Ruth was older than her years, he had a gut feeling that in lots of ways she was more mature than he was, more able to control her emotions than he was. After all he was the one who'd turned up unannounced on her doorstep. He was the one who'd felt the need to see her whilst she'd been quite willing to wait until they were both back on the grid. And any idea that he might have harboured about her missing him had been shattered by the knowledge that she was entertaining some unknown man.

What a stupid, bloody fool he was!

Maybe it was for the best, what right did he have to involve her in his messy, uncontrolled life? And that was just his professional life, his private life was even worse. If he were truly honest with himself he'd never, ever let anyone; man or woman see him for the person he was; not even his wife Jane had been allowed that privilege, or would it have been as he had always supposed not so much a privilege as a curse?

As he flung the carrier bag he'd been hanging onto like grim death the bottles clinked together, mocking him as they signalled their proximity, their togetherness. A togetherness that he could only dream of. The whisky had been a gift from the Home Secretary, a thank you for as he'd put it _All your hard work over the past few days Harry._ Harry had accepted the bottle with a wry smile; both of them were well aware that what the man was really thanking him for was not loosing his temper with the assembled group all of them with their own agendas, their own axes to grind before they would even get down to business before they would even look at the aims set out in the conference papers. Yes he thought, he needed a bloody big thank you for the way he'd worked the room (what an awful phrase that was) talking to idiots, laughing at their jokes, asking their opinions about things they knew nothing about. And then when the conference proper had started sitting next to the H.S. Keeping his mouth shut as he listened in disbelief to the nonsense being spouted by useless politicians.

And then the de-brief in Scotland! That had been an even bigger test of his temper and tolerance! A man could take only so much back patting and self congratulation! Amongst his _own_ he'd no longer felt the need to keep such a tight hold on his feelings and on a couple of times he'd let his temper get the better of him as he'd been a little too honest with his opinions, a little too forthright with his judgement of the situation and on more than one occasion he'd heard or rather overheard his disgruntled _peers_ moaning about his lack of charity, his inability to live in the moment and just let go a little bit after such a stressful and trying week. This inability seemed to really annoy the idiots that he was forced by circumstance to associate with and one phrase had really stuck in his mind

" _ **When was it do you suppose that Harry Pearce forgot how to enjoy himself? At what point did his insides curl up and die? You would have thought that he'd be only too pleased to take some time out to relax and indulge in a little harmless fun. But no he has to wander around the place like a disapproving maiden aunt! Yeah Gods! The sooner he leaves the better as far as I'm concerned!"**_

He'd taken the whisky from the Home Secretary; thanking him before he'd commented that he felt it would be better if he made his way back to London and his team. As he'd put it

" _We seem to have learnt a lot and I'd like to take some time to get it all straight in my head and then discuss it with my team Home Secretary. I feel that my time would be better spent doing that than here. After all Sir I'm not contributing much am I?"_

He'd watched with some amusement as the man in front of him had visibly relaxed assuring him that he would back any decision he made before he'd gone onto insist that he'd arrange for a helicopter to take him down south. And so it was that only a couple of hours later Harry Pearce was flying south away from a group of people who were in truth glad to see the back of him.

He wasn't sure when the notion that he could call on Ruth had entered his head; or when he'd convinced himself that it was a good idea to call on her. They'd spoken a couple of times whilst he'd been in Iceland and she'd picked up on his frustration. It still astounded him how she could pick up on his moods, moods that he did his best to hide from others; oh when he lost it the whole world knew about it and quaked and at the other extreme when he was happy and pleased about an operation going well he was more than happy to share his satisfaction with others, no it was the fact that she could somehow read him so that she knew when he was irritated about small things or elated about a small seemingly insignificant victory, and then to find that she could pick up on his frustration and sooth him from so far away was …...

But then the Home Secretary had brought her to the forefront of his mind as the man had walked him to the helicopter pad. "Harry" he'd said placing a hand on his forearm "I know that this gathering isn't your sort of thing so thank you for your restraint and patience but Harry we all need an outlet for our frustrations and worries you know. Please Harry if you have anyway, anyone who can take a little of the burden from your shoulders let them do it...For all our sakes Harry, for all our sakes".

The words had stayed with him on the flight south, goading and prodding at him. Was he becoming so stuffy, so old, so bitter that he didn't any longer know how to relax and let go just a little bit? Of course he could resort to old, tried and tested methods and go out an pick up a woman, have sex with her and pretend that was all he needed but he'd begun to realise that wasn't what he wanted, needed now. What he needed, desperately wanted, had to have was someone who he could share everything with. Someone who was comfortable enough with him to laugh at him, to tease him, to make him feel normal. Whatever normal was.

He'd sometimes sit on a bench down by the river and watch people as they passed by and just lately he found himself envying the couples who wandered by hand in hand sharing private jokes and glances. Oh the cynic in him told himself that no doubt they argued like cat and dog when they were behind closed doors, that she was a harridan and he was drunk but he still could not throw off the feeling that he was missing something, something precious and wonderful. Something that the young and naïve Harry Pearce had longed for before experience and cynicism had knocked any hope that he'd find such a thing out of him.

And so it was as he sat in the cold unforgiving environment of his procured ride home he formed a crazy plan in his head; he would go and see her. He could pretend that he wanted to talk to her about what had gone on in Iceland, that way he could spend some time with her and if he took a bottle of really good wine with him he could pretend, in his own head at least that they were meeting as friends, that she'd invited him to her house. And by the time he'd reached her house the scene that he played out in his head had become a three act play.

That's why he'd dismissed the driver of the car waiting for him as they landed at a small private airfield on the outskirts of London insisting that he would drive himself. And as he'd driven through the streets of London he'd almost convinced himself of the truth of his self deceit. A deceit reinforced as he'd stopped at an off licence where he'd managed to purchase an extremely fine bottle of white burgundy. Even as he opened her front gate and walked up her short drive he'd not really not known what he intended to do, he was as the younger members of his team would say"Playing it by Ear"

But now he was totally confused, frustrated and at a loss as to what he should do next!


	2. Chapter 2

I don't want to steal your freedom

Chapter Two

He woke with a start and for the longest moment he wasn't sure where he was or what he was doing there. His feelings of uncertainty and discomfort were only magnified when he moved and banged his knee on the gear stick, something that made him grumble and swear. Sitting up it all came flooding back to him like a bad dream. It had been his intention to wait until the man left Ruth's house, follow him and then do some background checks on the bastard. But it seemed that the emotion and physical activities of the previous day had caught up with him and he'd fallen asleep and missed him.

Checking his watch he calculated that he had better get himself into gear if he was going to arrive at Thames House and give himself time to shower and change before Ruth arrived but before that he needed to stand upright and iron out some of the kinks in his back and neck. He'd just closed the car door and was walking up and down the pavement when a movement from over the road caught his eye and he ducked down behind one of the _Chelsea Tractors_ banging his bad knee on the wheel arch as he did.

Ruth was coming out of her front door but she was not alone. A man, a man about her age followed her onto the step that led to her garden path. He was wearing a dressing gown but his feet and legs were bare! Harry shrank back into cover and watched with a morbid fascination. Ruth turned and said something to the man who laughed and reached down to kiss her cheek before he turned to go back inside. Ruth was just through her front gate when her front door was flung open and the man came bounding down the step waving an envelope in the air.

Ruth turned, saw him and stopped in her tracks. Walking back up the path she meet the man half way and took the envelope from him. From what he could see from his vantage point the man was about Ruth's age, dark haired and reasonably good looking. As he watched the pair seemed to be engaged in a gentle tug of war over the envelope both of them laughing about it until the man pointed to his cheek and pouted at Ruth. She laughed once more; leant forward kissing his cheek as the man surrendered his prize and Ruth once more made her way to the gate. As she reached it Harry heard the man's voice calling to her

"Try not to be late tonight. It's my turn to cook and you know how unreasonable I can get when my food's kept waiting."

Harry felt as though he was riveted to the spot as he tried to come to terms with this latest scene. The man had spent the night! As he straightened up feeling everyone of his years a man who was walking his dog nearly bumped into him he turned sharply ready for the man to have a go at him for blocking his path but it became clear that wasn't going to happen as the man said

"Are you okay mate? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Harry stepped out the pods his usual impeccable self. By some quirk of good fortune he'd managed to hit every traffic light at green and much to his relief and surprise no idiot had decided to dig up the roads in central London while he'd been away. In a totally unconscious gesture he smoothed down his tie as he walked towards his office. He felt better now that he had his armour on. A quick shower and shave, clean underwear, shirt an immaculate suit fresh from the cleaners with matching tie allowing him to hide his personal turmoil as it always did. Ruth arrived looking as she did every morning; gorgeous. But this morning instead of feeling uplifted by her presence he felt only doubt as all the things he longed to ask her ran riot in his head. _Who was the man she'd left in her home? What did he mean to her? How long had she been seeing this man? Was it a serious relationship?_ But of course he didn't dare ask any of these questions instead he did what he always did when faced by a situation that disconcerted him; he went on the attack.

Looking at his watch he said "Bit late for you Ruth? Was the bus late?"

"I'm not late Harry" she told him a tone of irritation creeping into her voice. "I'm not due in for another half an hour. Do you have a problem with my time keeping Harry?"

And brushing past him she went to hang up her coat. He was saved from any more awkwardness by Zaf and Jo coming through the Pods bickering about something or other. Zaf was totally oblivious to the tension between Harry and Ruth but Jo moved to her friend putting her hand on her arm asking if everything was okay.

Ruth assured her that it was fine and went to do what she did every morning. Make a pot of tea, she'd discussed it with Malcolm and they'd decided that it would be more practical to make a huge pot of tea instead of messing about with individual tea bags in mugs and dear, dear Malcolm had duly arrived with a vast white china tea pot that would have graced any Woman's Institute tea table. When the tea was brewed she poured it into mugs and called onto the grid "Teas made when you're ready everyone."

Harry waited for Ruth to bring his tea, it was a ritual of theirs a mug of tea together before the madness of the day started. A chance for Harry to use Ruth as a sounding board, to run things by her to see what her thoughts were about operations they were or might be involved in and on those rare days when the world wasn't going to hell on a hand cart they'd talk about books they'd read, films they'd seen and music they enjoyed. Mornings like those had come to mean a great deal to him but this morning she passed his open office door and took her mug to her desk, sitting down without looking at him. And as he sat behind his desk in glorious isolation he found himself laughing at himself and his foolishness; when had she ever given him a sign that she wanted more from him than a friendly interaction in the workplace. When had she ever given him a chance to even hope that she would allow him to become more than her friend? Sighing he debated with himself if it was worth drawing attention to the fact that Ruth was pissed off with him by getting his own tea when Malcolm came in with his mug and placed it carefully on his desk.

"I don't know what you've done old man but I'd put it right if I were you. And it's none of my business but why is Ruth here? I've gone over the reports from Iceland and the follow up in Scotland and there's nothing pressing in either. What's going on Harry?he asked before he made for the door.

As soon as everyone was in they all trooped into the meeting room for the morning briefing. It was obvious even to Zaf that Harry and Ruth must have fallen out about something. Ruth didn't take her usual place by his right hand choosing instead to sit two seats down from him, leaving an uncomfortable Malcolm to occupy her usual seat. Harry seemed to do nothing but question and snap at everyone during the meeting; at one point as good as calling them all a bunch of amateurs because they'd failed to find a terror suspect. It was only after Adam had informed Harry that the man was in fact in police custody and that if he turned to page ten on the morning's briefing papers he would see that, that calmed Harry down a little only for him to explode again when he couldn't find page ten, Ruth then held it up and stumbled over an apology for not placing it on his desk.

Ruth and Harry stared at each other across the table neither of them seeming to be aware that there were other people in the room and the rest of the team started to shuffle in their seats none of them willing to be present when the tension between the two exploded as it seemed it must. In the end it was Malcolm who broke the moment by saying "I believe you want to share your thoughts about the conference in Iceland and the follow up meeting in Scotland Harry? Did you learn anything that you feel we need to know about? Any intelligence that you can share with us?"

Harry coughed as he looked away shuffling the papers in front of him before he started his report. All the way into Thames House, whilst he'd been in the shower, shaving and dressing he'd been trying to come up with a way to make what he had to say pertinent, interesting, anything in fact to justify why he'd dragged Ruth into work on her very rare day off but as he spoke his words seemed banal and hackneyed and although he kept his eyes resolutely away from Ruth he could sense her shifting in her seat and muttering under her breath. Finally he could take no more and he attacked; after all he'd been taught by the best that

 _ **Attack is the best form of defence!**_

"Am I boring you Ruth?" he asked quietly, too quietly as the temperature in the room dipped to near freezing.

"Of course not Harry" she replied her voice equally icy. "What more could I ask than to be called in to work on my first day off in two months to listen to how the rest off the world pissed you off in Iceland and then how you had the urge to kill everyone in the British security services when the party moved to Scotland. No carry on Harry, I'm fascinated!"

"You are here Ruth because I decided that you should be. It's not your choice. It's mine and I'm sorry that I'm boring you but we can't have everything we want can we Ruth?"

Once more it seemed to the rest of the team that Harry and Ruth were somehow engaged in a dialogue that was far different from the words that were being exchanged. Noting the discomfort of the team Adam stood saying "Well if that's all Harry I think we've all got things that need out attention; even as he spoke the rest of them including Ruth were standing ready to escape back onto the grid.

Just when everyone was sighing with relief that they could escape from the room and preferably from the grid Harry told them all to sit down again as he had one last thing that he needed to attend to.

"Right" he said "This has nothing to do with me but H.R. Have asked me to bring this up with you all." At mention of HR there was a collective groan not unlike a Mexican wave around the table. "As I was saying, I've been asked to remind you all to keep your S24 requests up to date. It seems that some laxness has been creeping in lately so if any of you need to fill one in please do so by the end of the day and put it on my desk. Right that's it people."

Everyone gathered up their papers except Malcolm who remained sitting until they were alone then he turned to Harry and said "Care to tell me what's going on Harry?"

"Don't know what you mean Malcolm. Surely you must have work to do? If you haven't got enough I'm sure I can find you some."

"Fine Harry, fine. Only just remember all requests from HR come through me first so that your desk isn't clogged up with unnecessary paperwork and I can tell you that there has been no such request. So something is going on Harry and I would hazard a guess it concerns Ruth...and you?"

Alone again in his office Harry sighed, he should have known that Malcolm would call him out on his untruth, no damn it his bloody lie! But he had to know who the man was so he could plan what his next move would be.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't want to steal your freedom

Chapter Three

It's been ages since I updated this. I came across it the other day and thought I'd try to move it on a little bit.

Standing in the lift that would take her down to the ground floor of Thames House and spill her out into the vast, ornate public area she forced her breathing to slow and her pulse rate to calm. **Bloody, bloody man** she thought to herself how did he do that to her? How did he make her react like a brainless idiot. She had some idea at the back of her mind that he'd been goading her, looking for a reaction from her; well he'd got one hadn't he! She closed her eyes as though she were trying to blank out the memories as the lift doors opened and Maurice from HR got into the lift beside her.

Ruth was very aware that Maurice thrived on gossip and would love to spread a tit bit about her being emotional and agitated in a lift in the middle of the day around the building. So little was known about Harry Pearce, Section D and it's inner workings that any small piece of gossip was pounced on immediately to be passed around the building in an increasingly fanciful game of Chinese whispers and she was determined that she wasn't going to be the one to start any kind of speculation behind closed doors or at the coffee machines.

She kept quiet and still and Maurice was the one who spoke first just as she'd intended "You look flustered Ruth, it is Ruth isn't it?" She was very aware that he knew perfectly well who she was but if he wanted to play games she was more than willing to practice the art of deceit on him. "It's the heating in this place Maurice, I don't think it's ever right do you? We seem to boil in the winter and freeze in the summer." And then she added cheekily "Someone should talk to HR about it don't you think?" At least the man had the good grace to smile and they fell into an easy conversation about the vagaries of the heating and plumbing in Thames House and before she knew it she was out in the chill air of London in late autumn.

As they stood on the pavement Maurice shifting from one foot to the other looking at her in what could only be described as an expectant manner she knew she had to get rid of him or he was going to invite her for a coffee or some other fate worse than death!

Well here's where we part company " she told in a voice that brought to mind her old gym mistress. "I'm sure you have loads to do and I'm just going to saunter down to the Thames before I catch the tube home." And with that she set off with a purpose leaving the poor man standing on the pavement, a bemused look on his face. She didn't want to go home just yet, she needed some time to think, needed to think about what had happened earlier, needed to make some sense of it. And she was pleased that whether by design or chance she found herself beside her favourite kiosk where she bought a tea and toasted teacake before she sat herself down on a nearby empty bench.

As she sipped the tea and munched on the teacake she went back over her earlier exchanges with Harry.

She'd been angry with him that was true but should she have gone for him like that? He'd looked exhausted, almost as though he'd not slept and he'd clearly been frustrated by what had happened or rather not happened in Iceland; she could only just begin to imagine how dire the time he'd spent in Scotland but really why did he think it was okay to take it out on her? And why had he come knocking on her door last night? That part of it made no sense at all. Maybe he wanted to discuss something he'd learnt in Iceland or maybe Scotland with her but had been prevented from doing so because she had a house guest? But if that was the case why hadn't he talked to her about it whilst she'd been on the Grid? After all he'd been the one who'd almost ordered her into work today. The more she thought about it the more confused she became. And what was all that nonsense about forms not being filled in and submitted?

And then another possibility popped into her head, an idea that made her sigh and nearly choke on the last of the teacake. Maybe Harry had been testing her out; seeing how she reacted under goading and pressure? Well she'd bloody well failed that test hadn't she? Now she could see that she'd made a big mistake. She'd let emotion and feelings get in the way of clear thinking and common sense. He'd prodded her with a stick and she'd bitten back...hard!

 _I should have stayed_ she told herself _I should have stayed and found out what he really wanted instead of storming off like that._

Thinking back even as she'd gathered her belongings from her desk she'd been in two minds about her actions. One part of her brain was telling her it was her day off and that she'd been called in under false pretences just because Harry had had a crap time of it and had decided that he wanted to play "Power Games" and that had really annoyed her. She'd sat in that bloody room and listened as he talked and said what? Well nothing of any note really, her grandmother would have said he was "wittering" And the more he droned on the less tolerant she'd felt, she'd had very little sleep last night, she wasn't used to sharing her living space and added to that Harry turning up on her doorstep unannounced hadn't helped. And then he'd had the bloody cheek to be brusque and off hand with her.

Just what was going on in his head?

Maybe she should have given him the benefit of the doubt and been more adult about the whole thing. He was after all under a lot of strain; of course he was always under strain; his job was a juggling act, he'd not only to think about his safety he was responsible for the safety of his team and she knew that he felt that burden weigh heavily on his shoulders. He sent his team into danger on an almost daily basis, often putting himself in danger as well and she recognised that it was a wonder he hadn't either been killed or suffered a massive heart attack or died in some other way. And he'd done it all alone for years, he trusted no one; not really, he trusted Malcolm to do his job faultlessly and to be faithful, he trusted Adam to be steadfast and truthful but their relationship was only with Harry Pearce section head. Maybe he was looking for a friend she thought; just lately they'd been spending time together on the Grid and he'd taken to taking her with him when he attended meetings at the Home Office and once he'd even taken her over to Six with him but he had been in such a foul mood after that visit she was happy he'd never asked her again.

So she reasoned maybe, there was that sodding word again, maybe, (she didn't do well with concepts that she couldn't grasp and analyse the life out but she wasn't confident enough about her place in his life to ask him outright what he really wanted from her) he'd come over last night because he was looking to talk things over with some one he thought of as a friend and he'd been frustrated because she'd not been alone. Christ she thought as she scrunched the tea cup in her hand I bet he thinks I had a man friend over, a boy friend. Was he jealous? Of course not, they were nothing more than work colleagues.

Of course she fancied him like mad, had a terrible crush on him but was at the same time terrified that he would notice her in that way. She was after all nothing like the type of woman the great Harry Peare went for was she? She wasn't worldly wise, sophisticated, an experienced lover...And anyway she doubted that he'd even noticed her in that way. Oh he'd flirted with her on occasion but he'd never taken it any further than glances held for a little too long, a hand on her arm or in the small of her back as they walked along.

Oh this was getting too complicated for words and she didn't want to think about it any more.

Her phone rang and for one brief moment she wondered if it was Harry ringing to what. Apologise? Highly unlikely! To have a go at her again? No she thought she knew him well enough to expect him to do something like that face to face. Maybe he was calling her back to the Grid. Would she go? Of course she would, she would never turn down a request from Harry.

Bracing herself she answered.

Well this has been really hard going! Any feedback good or bad would be much appreciated as I'm not sure it's worth carrying on.


	4. Chapter 4

I don't want to steal your freedom

Chapter Four

Ruth settled back in her chair and smiled at the man across the table. This was more like it she thought. This was comfort and well being, this was just pure affection with no silly complications, this was as easy as slipping on an old cardigan. Stupidly she felt the beginning of silly tears in her eyes and she reached over the table to take his hand.

He didn't hesitate for one moment even though they were in a very public place in fact he scooted his chair around so he was sitting next to her so that their legs were pressed close to one another, still holding tight to her hand he intoned "Come on now, none of that. We don't want a wet tablecloth when the waiter comes back with our meals do we? Let me pour you a glass of wine and you can tell me all about it."

It seemed that he'd decided that he wasn't going to move far from her side as he slipped one arm around her shoulder whilst he poured her a large glass of wine. She raised her eyebrows at him when she saw how full the glass was and he laughed softly before he said quite casually "Purely medicinal Ruth, purely medicinal. Now be a good girl and drink up."

She laughed out loud then, he'd always had the knack of making her laugh and it seemed that the years that they'd been apart had not changed that. And it felt good to just relax and let go, she didn't have to pretend anything with him; he'd seen her at her highest and lowest points in her life. He'd held her hair away from her face as she threw up after finding out about the delights of Pernod (she'd never been able to face even the smell of it after that night). He'd chased her along an empty beach in Naxos catching her so they'd rolled into the incoming surf where they'd shared their first kiss.

He'd moved back to his side of the table but as the waiter placed their starters in front of them he noticed the blush that infused her cheeks, silently reaching out his hand once more he asked softly "Are you really okay Ruth, truly?"

"Just memories, that's all she replied as she picked up her knife and fork. "The beach in Naxos."

"Are yes Naxos" he squeezed her hand in silent understanding and Ruth was astonished to see that he was also blushing. They stared at each other across the table once more and Ruth found herself thinking back to when she'd first meet Joe or as his passport refereed to him Joseph Armitage Pickering. They'd first set eyes on one another during a lecture in their first months at Oxford and then their paths crossed more frequently as they were placed in the same tutor group, chosen as students who showed the greatest promise. During that time they'd hardly exchanged two words with each other except when they were arguing about some interruption of ancient text; Ruth always veering towards the more romantic whimsical side of the words whilst Joe stood firm by his beliefs that one had to look at the words in a harder light, needed to see the "political" meaning within even some of the most beautiful words ever written. In short they drove each other mad and if either of them had been less well brought up it could all have turned very nasty indeed. It didn't help that their tutors had quickly picked up on their divergence of views and had seen it as a means to get the whole tutor group thinking and debating. It had worked but had left the main protagonists at daggers drawn for the whole of the first year and it would have probably stayed like that had not one of Ruth's friends blurt out on a drunken night out "You do know he fancies the pants off you don't you?"

She had a bloody good idea who she was talking about but she'd ignored the remark putting it down to the excess of alcohol not even enquiring who it was who _Fancied the pants off_ her, not really wanting to know as she was so focused on her work and achieving her ambition of a first. Little did she know that her friends were plotting behind her back determined to bring a bit of fun into her life.

It had all changed the day her friend Lisa had come knocking on her door with a large fresh cream cake and a request. It was nearing the end of their first year and the round of end of year balls had begun. Lisa had her eye on an young man from Balliol college who she'd meet the week before during a crawl around some of Oxford's more dubious pubs and it seemed against all the odds Oscar was maybe interested in Lisa. He'd invited her out for a meal the only trouble was he wanted to bring his friend along It seemed that this unnamed friend was a very serious young man who'd spent all his time so far at Oxford working without having any fun and Oscar felt sorry for him so had suggested a double date, sure that a girl like Lisa would have many friends.

Ruth could remember as clearly as if it were yesterday seeing her nemesis Joseph Armitage Pickering rising from the table to greet them; she had the idea that he was as shocked as she was at the turn of events. Lisa and Oscar seemed oblivious to the tension in the air as they kissed each other chastely on the cheek and sat down next to one another still holding hands.

"Shall we try and keep in civil? For their sakes" he'd asked and she'd nodded her mute agreement before she'd quickly added "But no scoring points or discussing the course or I swear I will." Joe, for that was what he'd asked her to call him held up his hands in surrender and pulled out her seat for her waiting for her to sit down before he sat.

The evening had been a surprising success; it turned out that "Joe" had a really wicked sense of humour and was a very good mimic, he had them in fits of laughter as he gave them his version of many of the college worthies and even a few well known personalities. Ruth couldn't help herself and in a lull in the conversation she leant over and asked quietly "Do you do a parody of me Joe?" He'd looked straight at her before he replied "No. I care and admire you too much to do that Ruth. I know we will never agree on many things but I hope that we can be friends."

"Do you mean to tell me" she'd hissed at him a smile on her face for the sake of her friend who was just so happy that the evening was going well "That that "she continued "You have been amusing yourself by baiting me?That in fact you don't mean half the rubbish you come out with? That you do it to amuse yourself and others because if you do I may very well have to use physical violence to show you just how I feel about that!"

He'd looked abashed then before saying "No it's not like that at all Ruth, I do mean what I say but at the same time I admire the way that you stick to your guns with what you believe even if it's polar opposites to what I believe and it makes you notice me Ruth. You are so engrossed in your work if we didn't lock horns in the tutorials you wouldn't even know I existed …...would you. Go on be honest with yourself."

That had rather taken the wind out of her sails and she had to admit that she did tend to isolate herself more than most, that she was a hard person to get close to, a hard person to be friends with and that had come as bit of a jolt to her and it made her think about the way she was choosing to live her life.

The upshot was that she'd agreed to see him the next day and the day after that. Their friends thought that they were having the _great_ romance but that was not it; to Ruth it was much more important than that. She'd found a friend, a friend who she could trust with all her deep dark secrets, all her insecurities. With who she could share her hopes for the future without being laughed at and scorned because she hoped she would be worthy of love. No it was not the great romance but it was the most important relationship in Ruth's life up to that date. He was her friend, her equal, someone she could trust trust implicitly, be silly with without fear of judgement and after a while they decided to share a house for the rest of their time at Oxford. It didn't in any way alter their feelings about their work and they still debated one another to a standstill on a regular basis but at the bottom of their relationship was a deep and long lasting admiration for one another.

And Ruth thrived on the joy and comfort she got each time she turned her key in her own front door knowing that inside the little terraced house she would find peace and sanctuary from a world she didn't really understand.

Of course there had been the misstep on the beach in Naxos; as they'd fallen onto the the warm sand, the moon bright above, the crickets singing far far away Joe had pushed her into the yielding softness of the beach and kissed her, forcing her mouth open with his tongue as his hands wandered under the loose top that she wore. Meanwhile Ruth had pushed her hands under his tee shirt feeling the muscles that rippled on his back as he moved above her enjoying the feel of his warm skin and the closeness of him. It would have just so easy to get carried away by the moment but thankfully they had both come to their senses as a stray wave broke over them lowering the temperature in more ways than one.

Joe had gasped as he pulled away from her his face a picture on contrition "Ruth. Ruth I'm so sorry" he'd babbled. "That's not what I intended at all. I love you Ruth but not in that way, you're, your friendship, your support, your love is too precious to me to throw it all away for a quick fumble on a beach. A fumble that we'll both regret for the rest of our lives. Please say something Ruth." and he'd turned away from her as he threw himself onto the sand not daring to look at her.

Ruth could remember laying in the sand her shorts and the bottom of her tee shirt drenched trying to make sense of what had just happened. They had both drunk too much and danced themselves to a standstill and if she was honest with herself she couldn't quite remember how she had found herself flat on her back being drenched by the incoming tide. And that kiss! Where had that come from? And more importantly how was she to respond to it without spoiling everything?

"So you don't fancy me then?" had been her opening words and it seemed that she had chosen wisely as Joe had pulled her into his arms as he'd gently rocked her "You are my best friend Ruth" he said his voice breaking so that Ruth could tell he was on the verge of tears "Please say you understand, please say you forgive me. Please Ruth, please!"

She'd laughed then; not in a cruel way but a way that she hoped would let him know that everything was okay between them. "That's good" she'd told him "Because I don't fancy you one bit Joseph"

And so the incident had been as Joe so cleverly put it _Put to bed_ although over the years it had become a very private in joke that the two of them sometimes shared. And in a strange sort of a way it had served to make their connection stronger and longer lasting and they shared a love and a bond that could not be broken by time or distance; a friendship that was like a comfy pair of slippers that one could slip in and out of always knowing they would fit perfectly. That's how it had been when Joe had turned up on her doorstep the night before last having made a sudden and unexpected decision that it had been too long since they'd been in the same room together. "I just needed to see you Ruth, to talk to you face to face, to ask your advice" were the first words he'd spoken to her as he'd stood on her doorstep weary and slightly bedraggled after his long flight.

She'd been thrilled to see him of course and had flung her arms around him as she dragged him into the warmth and safety of her house, if he'd noticed the state of the art alarm system that she'd quickly re-set before she'd taken his coat and ushered him into the living room he'd chosen not to comment; just another thing she loved about the man. That first night he'd collapsed in her spare room within a half hour of arriving and he was still there snoring away when she'd left for work so there'd been no chance to talk then and last night when she got home late as usual she'd been wiped out and then of course Harry had arrived on her doorstep and thrown a spanner in the works. And at the thought of Harry she sighed deeply her emotions all over the place once more.

Quietly but firmly Joe took her hand and said "What is it Ruth? Is it work? you've not embezzled the petty cash have you? Or bet all the firm's profits on a dodgy horse? Please tell me it's not your bloody mother again, I swear if it is I'll swing for that woman! Or man trouble?"

Ruth didn't answer but she didn't need to; Joe had been watching her closely as he spoke and he'd picked up on the pain that had crossed her face when he mentioned "man trouble" and he was on it like a terrier after a rat.

"Who is it Ruth? And more to the point what has the bastard done to you?"


	5. Chapter 5

I don't want to steal your freedom

Chapter Five

 **Just to let you know there are a couple of sentences that some of you may find offence so be warned. Nothing too bad but I am aware that the range of readers is wide.**

Harry shuffled the pictures in front of him staring intently at each one before placing it face down on his desk only to pick up the next one and repeat the process; he'd been doing this for the last hour but the repetition wasn't making the situation any better, wasn't making the implications any easier to bear. He was hurt emotionally; a feeling that he thought he was no longer capable of but he was also bloody angry but he couldn't decide if he was angry with her or more likely himself. True his first reaction had been purely selfish, he'd needed, expected her to be there for him when he needed a shoulder to cry on and old fool that he was he'd envisaged a quiet drink maybe in her kitchen or sat side by side on her sofa as he poured out his frustrations to her. He'd been so sure she'd understand and in his head his private fantasy had had him being brave enough to ask her out to dinner.

" _No strings attached Ruth, just as a thank you for listening to me moaning on. You will? That's good, shall I chose where we eat? Have you any preference? No you're happy to leave it to me, that's good. So somewhere quiet and not posh?"_

The words that he'd never had the chance to speak now sounded hollow and pathetic in his head and he chastised himself for being a bloody idiot. Who was he kidding? Why would a young, vibrant, beautiful, intelligent woman like Ruth Evershed want to get involved with a broken old spook like him?

Just lately he'd taken to looking at himself in the mirror as he shaved and dressed and he didn't like what he saw. Years of sitting behind a desk, missed meals, too much booze and fine dining on a regular basis had taken their toll on his once fit lithe body. He was going to seed; he couldn't deny that; the proof was there for him to see and in the highly unlikely situation that he managed to get close enough to Ruth for her to see him with little or no clothes on she would see it as well. And then what? She would be disgusted. If the sight of his belly and over broad chest, his thighs that reminded him of tree trunks and his bum that he was bloody sure jiggled as he walked there were the numerous scars and burns that criss crossed his whole body. Surely someone as sensitive as Ruth Evershed would be repelled by them and would not even contemplate touching him. And how he wanted her to touch him. Even now in the depth of his self indulgent wallowing just the mere thought of her hands on his body caused a reaction that was becoming increasing troublesome and his hand went down to automatically adjust his trousers and underwear. For one moment he contemplated unzipping his flies and bringing himself some relief but he knew that relief would be short lived and his office was not the place. No not here, but he promised himself he would indulge in his private fantasy later when he was home and in his own bed.

His Ruth! He snorted down his nose at the idea that Ruth could ever be his. He needed another drink, standing he moved to gaze out onto the Grid. It was very quiet out there at the moment, it was late at night and all of his close team had gone home or were out on ops. The only people moving silently about were junior staff who were doing the graveyard shift as part of their rotation. He knew from experience that none of them would dare bother him; to them it was safer that they ignored his presence. Not one of them wished to be the one who attracted the attention of Harry Pearce. And that suited him just fine he thought as he pulled the blinds closed before checking again that his door was locked.

Sitting back at his desk with his glass suitably refreshed he took the manilla folder from his desk draw and flipped it open. He shouldn't being doing this he knew that but he had very nearly convinced himself that he wasn't doing this for personal reasons but because he needed to know everything about the members of his team in case their private lines impacted on their performance and contribution .towards the nations safety.

Then why gloated the demons in his head did you gather all this information off Grid? Years ago when he'd first become head of section he'd made the decision to set up his own clandestine monitoring service that reported to no one but him; a service that was buried so deeply that he liked to think that not even Malcolm could find it. It had been his very own insurance policy as it gathered Intel on friends as well as enemies and more than once the knowledge that was gathered had got him out of a tricky situation and enhanced his reputation as a man not to cross. Over the years as he became more confident in his role he'd felt more and more entitled to the information that came to him on a regular basis but it had been many years since he'd asked them to target a specific person. He'd tried to kid himself that he would never spy on her but as his feeling for her grew he'd been consumed by the overwhelming need to keep her safe and so he'd authorised a disguised CCTV link that was trained on her front and back doors to be installed; he'd prided himself that he'd never used that link. And true to the promise he'd made himself he'd not accessed it not until now that was, but after last night he just had to know who the unknown man was.

Taking a deep breath and a fortifying drink he picked up the typed sheet

 _Subject_

 _Joseph Armitage Pickering. (No known alias)_

 _D.O.B …...3_ _rd_ _November 1969_

 _Parents ….Commodore Peter Armitage Pickering D.S.O. And Bar Elspeth Victoria Pickering nee Spencer. (More information is available if required)_

 _Joseph Armitage Pickering was born in Gibraltar whilst his father was a serving officer in the Royal Navy. He has two younger brothers and an older sister. All of the children were sent to schools in England when they were deemed old enough;spending their holidays with both their paternal and maternal grandparents. From information gleaned it appears to have been a happy childhood. The subject excelled at languages showing early promise at both his prep school and this was further nurtured at Eton his attendance paid for by an Armed Services scholarship._

 _He earned a place at Corpus Christi Oxford where he studied Classics and Politics. He graduated with a double first. He played a full part in the sporting activities available taking part in many sports before he settled on Rugby Union going on to win a full blue. During his time first year at Oxford it would appear from the information we have been able to gather that he and Ms. Evershed did not get on clashing frequently during lectures and study groups. However this seemed to change towards the end of their first year and they subsequently went to share a house (they lived together for two years). During that time neither party was seeing anyone else. And apart from living together they holidayed together and Ms. Evershed accompanied Mr. Pickering on his visits to his family. They were described by those who knew them as "close and loving"_

 _After graduation Ms. Evershed as you know took up a position at GCHQ and Mr. Pickering accepted a place at Yale University where he studied for an M.A. in Near Eastern Languages and Civilisations. He graduated with honours. He then accepted a teaching post at Yale where he still holds tenure as head of his department. Ms. Evershed used to visit him on regular basis during her time at GCHQ but has not done so since she joined Five._

 _We have not been able to find mention of any political activity undertaken by Mr. Pickering whilst he has been in America. He is not now nor ever has been a member of a political party although he has been involved in a scheme to bring education to some of the poorest areas of Washington D.C. Indeed he has himself taught in summer schools in D.C._

 _Mr. Pickering flew out of J.F.K. airport the day before yesterday and upon landing at Heathrow took a taxi straight to Ms. Evershed's home and he has been there ever since._

 _This is as requested a short summary of the full report that will be on your desk as soon as it is ready but as you stressed the urgency of the matter we felt it was better to let you have this summary as soon as it was completed._

 _It is our opinion that does not pose any threat to national security but we will of course cintinue to monitor him and his movements._

 _As always it is a pleasure to serve you and we await any further instructions you may have for us._

He poured himself another drink and undid another button in his shirt, the jacket, waistcoat and tie had been discarded ages ago. He wondered what had changed their relationship from "hostility" to "close and loving?" He had experience of becoming physically close to someone he didn't really like but that had been purely lust and need driven and his steamy affair with Juliet Shaw could never in any circumstance be classed as "close and loving" they had taken from one another what they needed in terms of physical release enhanced as it was with added danger of discovery and the loss that discovery would lead to. As it was he had lost the most; he had lost his wife and children while Juliet bloody Shaw had gone on to bigger and better things without a backward glance.

But however he looked at the problem he could not see Ruth putting aside her dislike of a man purely so she could sleep with him. He knew people, people, assessing them was a big part of his job and he was very rarely wrong in his conclusions about them. No _his_ Ruth was no Juliet Shaw and he thanked the heavens above for that.

Who was this man and what was his place in Ruth's life. And why had he chosen now to fly across the Atlantic? He needed to know much more about this man and what he wanted.

Skimming through the pages again he looked at the photographs of them together. The first one was of them meeting in central London, hugging and kissing one another on the cheek in greeting. And then a series of images of them walking arm in arm, hand in hand laughing and joking together. The last images were especially painful to look at as they showed the pair of them alighting from a taxi outside her house, still laughing together, still touching one another. And now they were in her home ...together whilst he was still sitting in his office a sad solitary figure. Maybe he should call for his driver and go home where he could be alone and lonely but in more comfort.

He picked up his phone and placed the call telling the man he would be down in fifteen minutes all the time looking at the last series of photos. Ruth looked relaxed and carefree and so much younger than she had done lately and he was so envious of the man who could make her feel like this it took him all his time not to take the evidence and tear it into tiny pieces.

Looking at the images of Joseph Pickering it was just as he feared he was a picture of health and vitality. Taller than he was but that wasn't difficult, slimmer of course with a full head of light brown hair. Not particularly good looking but he had what he supposed could be called a "kind" face . Just the sort of face that Harry Pearce would like to plant his fist in!

 **Just a quick word of thank to all of you who have taken the time to read this and many thanks to those of you who have left reviews. It means a lot!**


	6. Chapter 6

I don't want to steal your freedom

Chapter Six

 **This is much longer than I wanted it to be but once I began I couldn't stop!**

He should go to bed.

He knew that but if he went to bed he won't sleep; he knew that as well. He'd been home a couple of hours now safely hidden in his study. It was in this room that all his secrets dwelt and tonight he had brought new ones to join the others. Here in this room was the real Harry Pearce. The rest of the house was nondescript, a testament to his non-life. There were few photos or mementos on show to even hint at who he was, the décor could best be described as bland it was a house not a home. But in here behind a securely locked door was were the real Harry Pearce came to be himself, in here were photos of his children, a misshapen lump of clay that Graham had brought home from school one day informing him in a very serious voice _It's an elephant Daddy_ after he'd carefully enquired what it was meant to be. There were meticulously mounted newspaper clippings charting Catherine's career as a photo journalist and other small knick knacks, pebbles from their favourite beach in Devon, old dried out conkers that he and Graham had so joyfully collected one crisp autumn afternoon and in the corner lovingly draped over a chair the blanket that he had wrapped both his children in when he first brought them home from hospital. Tucked away in a corner was a new addition to his treasures; a picture of him and Ruth taken at last years Christmas bash on the Grid. It was protocol that any images taken on the Grid had to be passed to him before they were allowed to be viewed by the rest of the team, normally he just glanced at them before passing them back to Malcolm but this time he "liberated" the photo and slipped it into his inside pocket. If Malcolm had noticed one was missing he'd not said anything but then Malcolm was the soul of discretion.

Looking round at all his treasures; the things that reminded him he was human he allowed himself to relax a little. Here in this room was where he could find some much needed comfort and security, here was where he came when he needed to dismiss the world and all the ways in which it hurt him.

Here was where he came when he needed to hang onto his sanity.

Scarlett had met him at the door a yapping, jumping, wriggling bundle of love so happy to see him that it almost made his heart constrict; some of the tensions of the day had ebbed away as he picked up her writhing body and held her close so he could feel her heart beating against his chest. "You love me don't you girl?" he'd crooned to her and she'd not disappointed as she'd licked his face and panted her hot breath on him. He'd stood for a moment in the hall just savouring her warmth and energy before he'd placed her carefully on the floor and asked her in a soft voice "Fancy a quick walk old girl?" At the word **walk** she'd gone into overdrive dashing up and down the hall like a being possessed and he'd had to speak quite sharply to her to make her stand still enough for him to clip the lead on.

He allowed himself a smile as he thought of the way Scarlett had shot off like a greyhound out of the trap when he'd unclipped the lead once they'd reached the safety of the park. He always felt guilty when he came home after leaving her alone all day but she wasn't really alone. He paid an arm and a leg for a fully vetted dog walking/ sitting service that made sure she went out twice a day and even sat with her when he knew he was going to be home late. And when he was away she was whisked off to her walkers home until he returned. No he was sure that he was more lonely than Scarlett was; and now she was the one who after a walk and her supper was fast asleep in her basket the sound of her snoring drifting along the landing.

He should go to bed he knew that but somehow he just couldn't stop looking at the pictures of Ruth; a very happy Ruth hand in hand with Joseph sodding Armitage as they hailed a taxi to take them back to Ruth's house, Ruth's home. And the more he stared at the image the harder he found it to focus; _I'm not crying_ he admonished himself _I'm not crying, I must be coming down with a cold. I need to go to bed now!._

And so heaving himself out of his chair he walked to his concealed wall safe opened it and placed all the information he'd been obsessed with for the last couple of hours safely and securely away before he walked down the landing to his room. Taking himself into the en-suite he quickly showered and cleaned his teeth before tumbling into bed.

Oddly enough he found sleep claiming him soon after he'd turned out the light but not before he'd heard the patter of tiny feet followed by the pressure on his feet as Scarlett settled down at the end of the bed. "Good girl" he muttered "Good girl. You love me don't you." And then blissful oblivion claimed him for a few hours.

Ruth was finding it hard to sleep. She'd been tossing and turning for what felt like hours. The phrase **Confession is good for the soul** was running through her head on a loop. Well what a load of nonsense that was she thought as she sat up and punched her pillows for the umpteenth time. She'd known when Joe had asked her what was wrong she was going to tell him. She trusted him, she trusted him with her life and her heart and she knew that he wouldn't judge her or think her foolish. She snorted at herself in most unladylike way. Foolish! Well foolish was one word for it; there was also stupid, crazy,ridiculous, irrational the list was endless and any of them would do to describe her feelings for Harry Pearce.

After they left the restaurant and all the way home Joe had been careful not to probe surely sensing her need to gather her thoughts and her need to talk to him in private; if indeed she intended to talk at all. As soon as they were through the front door he moved into the kitchen and put the kettle on while she made sure that the house was secure for the night. She'd been sitting in her favourite chair by the fire when he'd come in with a a plate of biscuits and a couple of mugs of tea on a tray. "I've feed that mad cat of yours" he told her "The bloody thing is lethal. If I didn't know better I'd think it was a trained attack cat!"

He'd made her laugh which was of course just what he'd intended and she'd laughed even more when the "attack cat" stalked into the room tail swishing, a look of total disdain on his face ignoring both of them before he laid down on the hearth rug in front of the fire and commenced the important ritual of grooming himself.

The three of them sat in silence for a while until he spoke "You don't have to tell me Ruth" he said "But I think you want to tell someone and I think that if you tell someone it will become more real and then you can face it. Whatever it is".

"What if I don't want to face it?" she asked him "What if I've decided to ignore it?"

"What in the hope it'll go away?" He'd sighed then before saying "I never had you down as either a coward or an idiot Ruth Evershed but maybe I was wrong." and then he just settled back in his chair and sipped his tea waiting for her to make her decision. He waited and waited and a couple of times he thought that she was going to tell him what was on her mind but each time he thought she was going to speak she turned away and the room lapsed back into an uneasy silence.

"Right ho" he conceded "It seems that it's to my turn first. You can't tell me Ruth that you've not been curious to know why I've flown across the Atlantic to see you at such short notice. No please don't say anything and don't even think that you need to apologise for anything." he told her as he watched her face flush as worry and shame vied for supremacy across her features. "Just let me tell you Ruth." she nodded her agreement and he continued "Well Ms Evershed this confirmed bachelor has meet some one" and his face broke into a wide grin as he rushed on "I met her at Yale, she's damn near perfect, funny, clever, tall, blonde, curvy the full package in fact. And the miracle is I think she likes me!"

"So" she'd asked "What's the problem Joe? There must be a problem, I can tell by the way you're telling me about her that something is not quite right because if it had been simple and straightforward you would have called or written not flown as you said all the way across the Atlantic. Tell me what's wrong so I can help. That's why you're here after all isn't it, for my help?"

"Can I pour myself a drink and would you like one? Our usual do you think? She'd nodded her consent and a few minutes later they were both sitting with generous measures of vodka and lime their tipple of choice from their student days in Oxford.

"She's one of my students." the words had come tumbling out before he'd had a chance to think about them. "She's in her last year and she joined my tutor group at the start of this term. She's very bright and she argued with me from the start. Made me think about some of things that I was just so sure about. She unsettled me Ruth. She looks at me and I feel as though she can see into my very soul. I really tried to ignore my feelings for her but I found myself looking forward to her walking into the room, found myself staring at her and then I realised that she was coming to class early and was always the last to leave and wonder of wonders I began to notice that she was staring at me and I could see what I was feeling mirrored in her eyes. And just lately it seems to have gone up a notch; when I pass papers to her I make sure our hands touch if only for a moment. I stand too close to her sometimes so I can inhale her scent. God I even sound like a pervert to myself! What am I going to do Ruth, what am I going to do?"

"You haven't told her how you feel? She'd asked the question after they'd both finished their drinks and she'd poured them another one.

"I've been on the brink of asking her to have dinner with me so many times Ruth but she's young and I'm one of her tutors and I don't want her to be gossiped about and I'm very aware that it will be seen as totally inappropriate if we do by some slim chance start a relationship. There are so many reasons why I should transfer her into another group but she, her presence in my life has become what makes it worth living. I have never been so happy and so unhappy all at once. What a bloody mess eh?"

"I think I'm in love with my boss." The words had been out of her mouth before she could stop them and it had come as quite a shock to her that she could articulate them to another person. Yeah Gods she'd never even in the midst of her fantasies about Harry said those words out loud. "He's older than me, been divorced, he's got grown up children, he has a reputation for being a real ladies man and he thrills me and frightens me in equal measure. But he makes me want to get up in the morning, he's started to look for me when he comes into the office, and the fingers brushing thing..well we do that as well. The trouble is Joe I don't know what he wants from me. I think, I'm almost sure that he fancies me but if it's just that and I fall into bed with him and we have a couple of months of wild sex and then he decides to move on what am I going to do then? I love my job, I'm fond of the people I work with and if that did happen I'd never be able to look them in the face again. So as you say Joseph what a bloody mess!"

They looked up at each other in a motion that could have been choreographed and laughed together as they had so many times in the past.

"Well I asked first Ruth" he said "What am I going to do. Come on at least give me a hint. And stop that bloody cat staring at me like that it's bloody unnerving."

"He's a pussy cat" said Ruth as she reached down to tickle the cat who rolled over in ecstasy as she tickled his tummy. "I think you know what you have to do Joe" she said "It would be totally inappropriate for you to begin a relationship with...You've not told me her name Joseph. What's the young lady called?"

"Her name is Maddie, Maddie Rochester.

"Well as I said Joe you already know what you've got to do. You have to wait until she's graduated and only then can you think about courting her."

"Courting her Ruth? What a quaint old fashioned term that is. And what am I going to do if she decides that she doesn't want to wait for me and she goes off with one of the pimply muscle bound youths she mixes with? What then Ruth?"

"That might never happen Joe and if it does it means that it was all for the best and she's just got a bit of a crush on you and you're reading too much into the whole situation. It will hurt like hell and it will cut your very soul but you'll survive Joe. And anyway it won't happen like that will it? How long till she graduates? Not long and then you can court her properly and no one but no one can say anything to you or her. Just make sure you invite me to the wedding."

"You make it sound so easy Ruth and I'll think about all that you've said but if it's so simple why haven't you gone after the man you want? I can understand your reluctance; and if I know you at all it's a lot to do with not being talked about, about not being the centre of attention but do you think that no one at work has noticed that you have a special connection with this man? And another thing what's this Romeos name? "

"It's Harry. Harry Pearce. And now that you mention it they always seem to send me into his office when there's bad news to be shared, when he's in a really foul mood it's me who takes him in a cup of tea and just lately when we have team meetings they always leave the seat next to Harry for me to sit in and when we go to the pub we always end up together; of course that's probably because the rest of the team are so young and they most likely think I'm more Harry's age, so you can't really read anything into that can you?"

"You're rambling Ms. Evershed" he said his voice enthused with amusement and affection "It seems to me that your colleagues already know that you _like_ him and it seems to me that they think he _likes_ you. Is he a shouter, yes I thought so. Does he shout at you? No. Well there we have it. I rest my case. The man obviously has feelings for you. Maybe Ruth Evershed you should take your own advice and _**court**_ him?"

At that last remark she'd stood saying "Now you're just being silly Joe. It's no laughing matter. How am I supposed to do that? Really if you can't be more help I'm going to bed. Goodnight Joe!"

And now she lay in the dark her head spinning from a combination of the wine they'd had with the meal, too much vodka drunk too quickly and Joe's advice that she should _**court**_ Harry Pearce! What a bloody stupid thing to say. How was she going to do that? She couldn't string a complete sentence together when she was alone with him unless it was about work. Would she ever sleep again? She was starting to think she wouldn't when the door opened just a crack and a she felt a tiny dip in the mattress followed by the subtle movements of a cat as it settled down by her feet.

"Oh Fidget" she muttered "Why can't things be simple and straightforward. Why did I have to fall in love with him?" In answer Fidget merely purred loudly and that sound was the last thing she heard as she drifted into sleep.

 **Just a note to say many thanks to everyone who has left reviews for this story. Everyone is like a gift. Thank You!**


	7. Chapter 7

I don't want to steal your freedom

Chapter Seven

Part One

As they moved around the floor in perfect harmony Ruth knew that people would be looking at them and maybe just maybe speculating about the true nature of their relationship and wonderfully that speculation didn't alarm or worry her;in fact it rather amused her. She smiled into his chest before she raised her eyes to meet his. "We've come a long way haven't we?" the question was of course rhetorical and he didn't reply he just swept her around the floor leaving her feeling dizzy and very happy.

"Such a long way Ruth" he agreed as he bent to kiss her cheek "Though there were times when I thought that we would mess the whole thing up in a spectacular fashion!"

And in an instant Ruth was transported back to the day she'd accompanied Joe to Heathrow so he could fly back to America and maybe just maybe come to terms with his feelings for ? It had been a quiet journey they were both still grappling with the confidences they had shared two nights previously and of course the advice they had given one another.

Ruth had left for work the morning after their "chat" before Joe was up and she'd been pleased about that; she felt bad about the way she'd spoken to him and knew that she had to apologise but first thing in the morning after too much alcohol and not enough sleep didn't seem to be the right time and added to that was the fact that she was having difficulties deciding what she would say. In the end she settled for a brief note that told him she loved him and she'd see him sometime that night.

All the way into work as she joined the thousands of other London commuters joggling for space first on the bus and then the pavement as she made her way to Thames House Joe's words echoed in her head " _Court him"_ Those words had been playing in a loop for hours now and she was sure that she could feel a headache coming on and sure enough by the time she was at the security desk signing in the pain behind her eyes was alternately throbbing and searing. This was going to be a long long day and she hadn't even seen the man himself yet!

Stepping out of the pods her eyes automatically roamed in the direction of Harry's office; it was in darkness and although he sometimes spent the night at his desk in times of crisis she knew that he wasn't there this morning. Sighing she went into the small kitchen, rinsed and re-filled the kettle and made up a tray so it would be ready when the rest of the team arrived. And soon enough the Grid was full of people as the core team and those employed to assist them filled the space. But still no Harry, she needed to know where he was and if he was safe but how could she ask without drawing attention to herself? Her headache had subsided to a dull roar when Adam stuck his head round the corner and said "Team to the meeting room please".

She could feel her stomach sink and because of what they did because of the danger that always seemed to stalk them she immediately thought the worst. He was injured or...No she would not allow herself to think of that word. And God help her they'd parted on bad terms, the last things they'd said to each other had been bitter and caustic and now she might never had the chance to make things right between them. All this must have been projected by the look on her face as Adam leant into her whispering "He's safe Ruth, nothing to worry about. Just come into the meeting room."

Breathing a huge sigh of relief she picked up her notebook and her favourite pen before she followed the rest of the team into the private room. As they all settled themselves around the table their eyes automatically focused towards Adam as they waited for him to tell them what was going on. "No Harry today" he began "He's been invited over to Six to a de-briefing of the de-briefing after the Iceland meeting." The word "invited" had been said tongue in cheek and they all knew Harry well enough to know that he would be furious at what he considered to be a waste of his time and energy but it was Danny who summed up their collective thoughts.

"Do me a favour Adam. Give me a heads up on when you expect him to be back so I can make myself scarce. He'll be like a bear with a sore head and he always seems to find me in his line of fire when he's like that."

"Don't worry about that Danny" Adam told him "He won't be back today, Harry's day will just keep on getting better or so he tells me. Tonight he's been requested by the DG to attend a gala performance at the National Theatre. It seems the DG has a younger sister who needs an escort and we all know how good Harry looks in evening dress don't we team?"

"That's it I'm bloody emigrating" groaned Danny "Forget what I said about this afternoon I'll have to be absent for the next sodding month!"

They all laughed with Danny but they all knew that he was telling the truth. Poor old Danny always seemed to put his foot in it when Harry was in a foul mood. It was just a knack that he had!

Danny was still muttering under his breath as he pushed his chair back and gathered up the papers that Ruth had passed around the table so that they were all aware if what was going on , unfortunately for Harry it seemed that there was nothing going on or likely to go on in the next few hours that would need Harry's attention.

As he got to the door Danny turned a cheeky smile on his face "Of course I could always stand behind Ruth when he comes back and then he won't notice me or anyone else for that matter will he?"

The others laughed softly as they looked at Ruth to see if she was comfortable with the joke; they all knew or thought they knew that something was going on between the section head and his analysis t although not one of them could get a handle on what _**it**_ was. They needn't have worried Ruth was not in the room. Her head was at the National Theatre where Harry resplendent in black tie was squiring a tall, sophisticated blonde woman who was making him laugh, touching his arm and flirting outrageously with him. And he was lapping it up! She was brought back to the present as Danny walked back to her draping an arm around her shoulder "Take no notice of me Ruth. I'm and idiot at the best of times and today well...Tell you what I'll pop out and get us all a decent coffee and I know I'll go to that little café around the corner and pick up some of their warm sausage rolls and then we can drop flaky pastry all over the floor and drive Malcolm mad. What do you say Ruth?"

"Ruth heard Malcolm's voice in the background "Not funny Mr. Hunter... Any crumbs you drop you will immediately brush up. Do I make myself clear?"

A while later Danny returned with a tray of coffees and a box of sausage rolls along with paper plates and the largest handful of paper napkins that anyone had ever seen. And for a few minutes the team gathered round Ruth's desk as they sipped coffee and ate their treats. It was a lovely interlude: one that Ruth would look back upon with much affection in the years to come. All too soon Adam had risen leaving to meet a contact, Malcolm and Colin made their way back to their latest project, Danny dragged himself away to go over a report that he was struggling with and Ruth turned her attention to the latest intel from the Chinese desk. At least that's what everyone thought she was doing. What she was in fact doing was checking out the D G's sister and it was as she had feared. The bloody woman was tall, blonde in her mid forties, divorced with no children. _**Well bloody enjoy yourself Harry Pearce!**_ She thought jealousy surging through her not taking into account the fact that Harry was not going on date as such and had most likely been rail roaded into the entire thing.

Just as Ruth was checking out Harry's date for the evening the man himself was plotting the downfall of the nations security services, and as his eyes roamed around the table he was coming up with more and more inventive ways of disposing of the men who surrounded him. His gaze finally rested on the DG; he didn't particularly like the or dislike the man. He kept his nose out of Section D's business and that suited Harry down to the ground. He knew that if anything went wrong he would carry the can but that was a risk he was willing to take if it meant he could have autonomy over his team but the man was still his boss and they both knew that on occasion he would tug on the lead just to let Harry know who was boss. And Harry knew that was what tonight was all about, he was showing Harry that as well as controlling his work life he the service expected to have some influence over his so called private life. Yes he thought to himself as he stared at the man as he made to pour himself another dreadful coffee from the urn placed at the end of the room something very inventive, slow and painful for you my friend.

"You look like you've lost a shilling and found a penny Harry" Oliver Mace had slid into place beside him as he placed two cups of sludge on the conference table in front of them. "Complete bloody waste of time this. God some people just like the sound of their own bloody voices. Still keeps us off the streets." When he got no response he carried on "I hear we can expect your company at the theatre tonight. I must say I was surprised when I heard Harry but I suppose even a workaholic like you has to take a break sometime, let your hair down a bit, re-charge the old batteries so to speak. What is it they _All work and no play makes Harry a dull boy?_ And we don't want to be thought of as dull do we Harry after all we are in a young man's game, well and woman's of course. Between you and me old boy some of the women on our side scare me more than the enemy! Harry sipped his coffee, he just couldn't be bothered to engage with Oliver Mace; he disliked and didn't trust the man in equal measure and always found it difficult to hide his disdain from the man. Of course Mace was always charming in a slimy, worthless way but just lately there had been something else. He got the impression that Mace wanted to ask him something; no that wasn't right; wanted to invite him to do something? Was that it? Mace had always been self satisfied and full of his own importance but just lately he seemed to be more pumped up than usual. More sure of himself and on more than one occasion Harry had caught him sweeping the room with eyes that were cold, calculating and mocking. Of course Mace had always been like this but the more he thought about it the more he realised that something even more devious than usual was going on behind those scornful eyes.

He promised himself he would follow up on his suspicions. He would get his core team to do some digging. He knew that if Mace was up to something it would be buried deep and would be very difficult to uncover but he also knew that he had the best team in the security services and if there was anything to find they would find it. In the mean time he would just play along with the odious thug in front of him.

"Trust you to be up on all the gossip Oliver" he said as he turned to take his seat at the table. "I am indeed lucky enough to be attending the theatre tonight but I didn't realise you'd be there as well. What a lucky fellow I am."

Mace chose to ignore the veiled sarcasm of his reply and instead went in for the kill just for the enjoyment of seeing Harry Pearce squirm a little "And tell me Harry" he enquired with a knowing glint in his eye "Will you be bringing anyone this evening."

 _I have decided to leave it there because it's taking more words than I intended to get to where I want them to be. They can be very difficult at times!_


	8. Chapter 8

I don't want to steal your freedom

Chapter Eight

(Part Two of Chapter Seven)

 **I'm sorry if some of you thought I didn't intend to finish this story! It's just that this chapter was getting so long I thought it would help if I cut it into more manageable chunks!**

The first thing she'd done when she'd got into work this morning was fill in the appropriate form. She'd hoped that he'd be in and that she could get him to authorise and sign it before any of the others arrived but his office had been in darkness and apart from the night staff she'd found herself alone.

Alone with her thoughts, alone so she could go over her conversations with Joe about their problems and how best to tackle them. They'd talked long into the night, they'd argued, laughed and even cried a little but it all came down to one thing in the end; they both had to be braver than they'd ever been in their lives if they were ever to be happy. She smiled as she remembered Joe's cheeky remark just before they decided to call it a night "At least we'll know one way or another Ruth, at least we'll have tried. And then he'd added cheekily "And if all else fails we can marry each other can't we? I can think of worse things than marrying your best friend."

She'd not responded but part of here had thought that he could be right because if she couldn't have Harry Pearce she didn't want any one else and she knew that she'd never find another man like Joe even if she searched for the rest of her life. So she'd just smiled at him and squeezed his hand before taking herself up the stairs leaving Joe to turn of the lights and make sure the doors and windows were secure.

This morning when she'd come downstairs Joe was already up and about making bacon and eggs and God help her fried bread! "Are you trying to send me to an early grave?" she'd asked him as she tucked into the unhealthy meal with some gusto.

"Eat up Ms. Evershed" he'd teased her "You'll need this if you're to attack your problem head on. And before you make any comment about the pot calling the kettle black I've already done something about my side of things. I've got a cancellation and I fly out of Heathrow tonight at eight. The sooner I go back the sooner I can begin to get my head in order and do what needs to be done. I would have liked to stay longer Ruth but we both need to get on with things."

She'd been upset but she knew that he was right in what he said but she was determined that she would see him off; she had enough hours owing to take a month off so she was damned sure the service could allow her a few hours at the end of the day. And so now she sat at her desk as the Grid filled up and all around her machines were switched on, telephones rang and more and more files and reports found their way onto her desk and still no sign of Harry. She'd begun to wonder if she just ask Adam to sign the form and put up with the consequences when the man himself arrived stepping out of the pods with what could only be described as a spring in his step.

Danny it seemed just couldn't resist the temptation as he asked "Good night last night Harry?

Those who had heard the question held their respective breaths knowing full well that Harry was quite capable of as Adam so succinctly put it _**Going off on one**_ were more than surprised when Harry stopped and turned towards the younger man; a smile on his face as he answered "Indeed I did Mr. Hunter . Indeed I did, it was very pleasant, as was the company. Now if you don't mind I've things I need to attend to before the meeting so if you'll just excuse me."

He hadn't even glanced at her! He always made eye contact with her when he saw her for the first time each day. It was a ritual they had, a small acknowledgement of each others presence but today there was no such exchange, Harry seemed to be preoccupied with other things and she found herself hurting because of that. Indeed up until that moment she'd not realised how much those brief moments of intimacy between them had meant to her.

"Bloody hell" said Danny as he came up to her plonking himself down in the chair beside her "We'll have to encourage him to go out more often if that's the result!"

Just at that moment one of the junior tec officers almost fell onto the Grid brandishing one of the free newspapers that were left all over London. "I think your little friend wants you" she told him "And I really do have a lot to do Danny". Danny laughed at her and made the time honoured gesture that the British have when they silently ask a friend if they want a cuppa. She smiled and nodded her consent and he moved off towards the young man with a broad smile on his face.

When he returned to her side less than half an hour later two cups of tea and biscuits and with the newspaper tucked firmly under his arm she cursed herself for giving him a opening to come back and engage her in what she was sure was going to be tittle tattle. And sure enough after he'd placed the cups on her desk and borrowed a chair which he wheeled up so he was very close to her as he produced the paper with what could only be described as a flourish. "Look at this Ruth" he said pointing towards one of the photos "It seems he did have a good time last night and here's the proof in black and white!" Ruth couldn't help herself as she bent to study the picture. A picture of Harry in formal attire talking to a tall attractive blonde woman about his age. They seemed to be laughing at something and Ruth got the idea that they were comfortable in each others company. And as a frisson of jealousy shot down her spine she was dismayed to hear Danny's voice in her ear just making the whole thing worse "And, and" he tripped over his words "It seems that he took her home last night and then told his driver he wouldn't be needing him again! What do you think of that Ruth? Do you think Harry pulled?"


	9. Chapter 9

I don't want to steal your freedom

Chapter Nine

Ruth was still staring at the newspaper when Malcolm called Danny over to his desk insisting that he couldn't make head nor tail of the younger man's latest report. She could just hear the words of admonishment and see the movement all around her in her peripheral hearing and vision but really all her attention was captured by the image in front of her.

When she finally managed to drag her eyes away she did what she always did. She looked towards his office. He'd pulled the blinds; that was unusual, he usually only pulled the blinds when he had visitors or when he was in a really foul mood and didn't want anyone to disturb him but to hell with it she needed him to sign the sodding docket, she needed to make sure that she was free this evening. So picking up her pad and pen and tucking the request form between them she stood and made her way towards his closed door.

"Good call Evershed" Danny's voice danced across the space "Catch the old man while he's in a good mood. I reckon we could all get a weeks leave out of him this morning. You go for it..." She had the impression that he was going to say more but Malcolm interjected with an urgent request for the report Danny was working on and the young man sighed dramatically as he turned back to the task in hand.

Danny's words had stopped her in front of Harry's door; it was not pulled completely shut and she could hear the sound of laughter from within. It was a wonderful sound, a sound that was so very rarely heard. He laughed with her sometimes when he they were alone at night after everyone else had left the Grid; she learnt that she could tease him gently, that he had a wicked sense of the absurd; something that on reflection she thought was one of things that kept him sane but to hear him laughing at this time of morning when he was alone? What was going on?

She found that her feet were rooted to the spot, even more so when he heard him speak. "I'm glad you like them Sophie" he said "I picked them myself, I'm a little out of practice when it comes to choosing flowers for a lady so it's nice to hear that I got it right." There was silence for a moment before he spoke again "I'm pleased you enjoyed yourself as much as I did last night." There was another pause before he spoke again "That's a very cheeky thing to say Sophie but you were the one who was bemoaning the lack of good old fashioned courting last night weren't you? Extolling it's virtues with some enthusiasm I might add. So I'm maybe having a practice run so to speak." And then he laughed again before he answered "You may well say that my dear but I couldn't possibly comment."

She could bear it no longer so she tapped on the door once before she slid it open and entered the office. He was sitting at his desk with his chair swung round so that he was facing away from the Grid but he swung around sharply as she approached the desk. "Hang on a minute Ruth" he said before he spoke into his phone once more "Sorry Sophie but duty calls, yes, yes you are correct in your assumption and no I won't forget what we talked about. Now go and put those flowers in water before they start to droop. Goodbye bye Sophie. Talk to you soon. Bye."

I'm sorry to interrupt Harry" she began completely fazed by his whole demeanour during the phone call. He looked and sounded relaxed and dare she think it? Happy? Maybe she was too late, maybe she'd been fooling herself that there could ever be anything between them. And all her old insecurities about her looks, her personality, her intelligence, in fact everything about herself came bubbling to the surface and for one dreadful, awful moment she was afraid that she was going to cry!

Harry for his part was a little disconcerted to be caught out enjoying a private moment whilst at work; it was one of his rules that he didn't bring his personal life onto the Grid and he had been caught out doing just that in a quite spectacular fashion. And by Ruth! That just made it ten times worse but the truth was he'd had a really good time last night. He'd expected nothing more than to be at best bored silly and at worst be near the edge of a complete meltdown as he controlled his urge to rip certain people's throats out! But his "date" for the evening had changed all that. Sophie Hardingman was nothing like her brother who was ponderous in his thought processes and as dull as ditch water. Sophie had proved herself to be a lively conversationalist, quick witted but a good listener and it had to be said very easy on the eye. And if he'd not already lost his heart he might have been tempted to try his luck with her.

He smiled as he thought of part of their conversation last night "You're doing very well Harry" she'd said "I really thought that this evening was going to be harder work than this." His face must have betrayed some reaction to those words as she'd carried on "Well I could tell when you picked me up that being with me was shall we say more of a chore than a pleasure?" He's started to protest but she'd put her hand of his arm to silence him "No Harry, I'm not complaining or judging I know my dear brother shall we say twisted your arm just a little and I'm sorry about that so shall we call a truce and just enjoy the evening. We seem to be doing pretty well up to now and we don't have to set eyes on each other after tonight do we?"

After that Harry had felt relaxed enough to let go a little bit and try to enjoy the evening. The play was entertaining; one of the lead roles was taken by a young actress Nicola Walker who reminded him of Ruth. Was it the way she held her head when she spoke, the way she walked across the stage as though she owned it or was it just his imagination? He wasn't sure but he found that he was drawn into the world that was being created on stage and slowly but surely he felt himself relax just a little.

As they stood in the VIP lounge during the interval sipping their drinks and making inconsequential small talk his companion touched him on the forearm "You know Harry" she said "when you let go a little you are an entirely different person and if you weren't so helplessly in love with someone else I might be tempted to..."

He turned her full attention to her then, in truth he'd only been half listening, he'd been thinking about Ruth and the man that she had in her house, his mind playing with his emotions as he conjured up vivid pictures of what they could be up to.

"I'm sorry" he said "what did you say?" He felt an irrational anger aimed towards himself; he must be losing his touch if he could be caught out like this and what made it worse was this was a woman he had only just meet. Was he really that transparent?

"Don't worry Harry I won't be telling anyone about our conversations tonight. I, like you am only here because of my darling brother" and as if in sardonic salute she lifted her glass in the direction of the man himself who smiled broadly at the pair. "He thinks I need to be brought out of myself" she made a noise in the back of her throat that dismissed that notion out of hand, "What he does not or rather will not understand is that I am quite happy on my own doing my own thing. Normally I can tell him to take a running jump but I really wanted to see this play and ..." She laughed at her own weakness and he found himself laughing with her.

She's nice he thought, she could be a very pleasant diversion. I could spend time with this woman and not regret it and maybe just maybe in the time before Ruth Evershed came into his life he might well have pursued her just for the thrill of the chase but now that was not going to happen.

"Do you want to talk about her Harry?"Her enquiry brought him out of his musings and he smiled at her but she wasn't fooled. "That's a really well cultivated look you have there Mr. Pearce" she told him quietly "But it doesn't reach you eyes you know. You have such sad eyes Harry, I really do think you need someone to talk to. I know that I did when I was low". And she'd gone on to explain about the breakup of her marriage and how talking to friends had helped her. "I know we are not friends Harry but I have a feeling that you have very few people you can talk to about shall we call it affairs of the heart? And I like you Harry. I don't know why but I do. And by the way I have been security checked if that's what's stopping you and I'm not a plant to get information out of you. I know it must be hard for you Harry but please; you can trust me. Talk to me about her; you don't have to tell me her name or anything about her. It's just that my instinct tells me that you're out of your depth about something and to be honest Harry I don't think that much puts you off your stride but your feelings for her have. So take a chance?" She smiled at him and then added in a teasing tone "I'll tell you some of the things my brothers got up to over the years in exchange."

He knew that he should brush the whole thing off as her imaginings but he really was out of his depth and it would be "normal" to talk to someone else about what was troubling him. Was this he wondered what it was like to have a friend you could trust? He didn't know that he trusted her but he didn't need to mention Ruth's name and he could weave a legend around her so that no one would ever find out who she was if his companion ever decided to talk.

"Let me take you for a drink when this is over?" he asked "And then we can talk? I think I'd like that."

"Come to my place Harry it will be more private." don't look at me like that, I'm not trying to seduce you, lure you into my web of seduction and intrigue. I'm too battered and bruised to do any of that at the moment and just for good measure I'm still in love with my ex."

And so Harry Peace escorted the sister of the D.G. home that evening; dismissing his driver for the evening ( an action that was no doubt now swirling round the corridors and rest rooms of Thames House like an incoming tide).

They'd sat talking till the early hours. Sophie telling me about her husband and the many years they had tried to conceive; the disappointment of failed I.V.F. The absolute heartache of the miscarriage she had suffered the one time she had been able to conceive and then her utter devastation when her husband had told her he wanted, needed a divorce because he was having an affair and his lover was pregnant."

"So you see Harry" she had told him "I know all about loss and longing and I really do want to help you if I can. If you choose not to take my help that's fine; I won't hold it against you, I'll understand but I do think that you need to talk to someone because keeping things all bottled up inside is not dong you any good and if I may pinch an old proverb _Faint heart never won fair lady_ so what do you say Harry?"

And so they talked. Harry telling Sophie about Ruth who he called Nicola (it seemed fitting somehow) he told her about his adoration for her, about his doubt that his feelings would be reciprocated, his fear that she would be disgusted when and if she found out how he felt about her. His hopes because she seemed to want to spend time in his company, his concerns that if he did attempt to show her how he felt he would loose the friendship he had with her.

Sophie had poured them both a large whisky and as she handed his tumbler to him she said "You'll have to court her Harry. All women like to be courted but do it gently. Give her flowers when she has been kind to you. Sit next to her when you can and flirt with her but again in a gentle way. Ask her out to dinner, no better than that ask her out to lunch or an early evening meal. Does she like music? Good. Get tickets to a concert or a recital she would like; just as a friend and see what develops. Try a kiss on the cheek, a quick hug of thanks, that sort of thing but do it gently Harry or she may very well bolt. If she's at all interested in you I'm sure she'll let you know and if she's not...well you won't have crossed any boundaries and you should be able to keep your friendship with her."

And now here he sat with Ruth in front of him as he openly flirted over the telephone with Sophie. He watched Ruth as she shifted from foot to foot notepad in one hand, a piece of paper in the other. A piece of paper that was being mashed as her fingers moved in a gesture that screamed insecurity and hesitation.

He quickly said goodbye to Sophie with a promise to call soon before he turned his attentions to Ruth "What can I do for you Ruth?" he asked "I do hope it's nothing major, I had a late night last night and I'm not as young as I used to be." _**Nice one Pearce he thought to himself drawing attention to your age!**_

"I need you to sign this if you would Harry" she thrust the crinkled form towards him and waited for his response.

"Aghh" he said as he glanced at it "The dreaded S24" Well you know that I can't sign it right away. There are certain steps that need to be taken but I'll make sure it's dealt with as quickly as possible. Thank you Ruth and if there's nothing else I really must get on."

"It's not an S24 Harry. I want to take some time owing this afternoon. I have loads and I need to take some today. Could you sign it so I can get it up to HR?"

Picking up the form he scanned it quickly "It says here _personal_ reasons Ruth, anything I can help you with? You only have to ask if you need help. You do know that don't you?"

"Can I have the time or not Harry? Just tell me but I must tell you I intend to have the time off; one way or another. It's important to me and a friend but of course I would much rather do it the right way."

"This friend must be important to you" he said "Is she in some sort of trouble? Is that why you need the time? I really should know if I'm going to sign this don't you think?"

They both knew that he had no need to know at all. All it required was his signature. And as he raised his eyes to meet hers he could see that she was disappointed and annoyed with him; he knew that he should trust her judgement and just sign the bloody thing but something made him dig his heels in and it became a battle of wills as to who would speak first.

As he'd intended Ruth was the one who broke first and as he listened to her voice as she spoke , a voice filled with suppressed anger and annoyance he wondered why he felt the need to prove a point like this "If you must know Harry **She is a He.** And no they are not in an trouble; far from it in fact. I just want to spend some time with him that's all. Now are you going to sign the bloody request or not?"

When Ruth left his office ten minutes or so later signed form in hand she entered a workspace that was strangely quiet and busy because everyone of her colleagues had heard the shouting that had emanated from Harry's office. They were used to Harry shouting, he did it on a regular basis, it meant nothing. It was just his way of dealing with things. Harry shouted even screamed sometimes but then he came down and the world carried on turning just as it had before but this time, this time the difference was Ruth. Ruth was shouting back at him! Ruth never shouted, she was the calm one, the peacemaker the one who could be relied upon to talk quietly and softly to Harry when he needed to be cool, calm and collected so to hear them shouting at each other was so out of the ordinary they were all stunned. Not even Danny could thing of a thing to say.

Ruth took a seat at her desk, took out an envelope, addressed it put the folded form into it and after making sure it was sealed she asked one of the junior clerical staff if they would run it up to HR for her. After the young man had gone she turned to Adam and said "I'm taking the afternoon off Adam, Harry's okayed it but of course I'll be available if I'm needed. I came in early so there's nothing urgent on my desk. Touch wood." And that was that. No one asked where she was going, what she was doing. The matter was obviously closed and everyone got on with there own thing and in a matter of minutes the Grid was back to normal or as normal as it ever got.

A few hours later as he watched her exit the Grid without a backward glance Harry was still wondering what the hell had happened. Deep down he knew that he had started it all by being overbearing and patronising. Yeh Gods! He'd questioned her ability to judge the character of someone who was obviously very close to her. And there lay the clue to his bad temper. She wanted to leave the Grid where they were together as a pseudo couple and spend time with another man. And why wouldn't she want to do that he asked himself. Closing his eyes against the harsh light in his office; a light that was starting to given him a throbbing headache he remembered with awful clarity her words to him as she left his office " _Well thank you for signing the form Harry. I promise not to do anything that will put the security of the nation at risk! Oh and by the way can I suggest you work on your inter- personal skills or your new lady friend won't be around for very long!"_

He'd wanted to grab her by the shoulders and tell her there was no new lady friend, that he had no one in his life but he didn't he'd just answered her sharply "Just close the door when you leave Ruth and make sure your desk is clear before you go. Oh and make damn sure the completed S24 is on my desk first thing

Gathering himself together he strode across the Grid shouting to Adam that he was going out and didn't expect to be back and that no one was to contact him unless the bloody world was on fire.

 **This is far too long but it's just the way it is!**


End file.
